Did She Come For Me?

So one day I was doing my homework when...


After classes at HACC on any given day, I often get in my car and go to a different place to "study" or to "do homework". Today, after I realized last semester that Dunkin Donuts has way better Wi-Fi than Giant, I began to make the big DD my homework "home"

 I hope I don't get fat from it.

As I sat and did math problem after math problem and browsed the occasional Facebook, A girl who was about my age walks in and sits down and starts reading a book. I notice her existence and I acknowledge that by smiling at her. To my surprise, she smiles back in a way that said "I am here because I want to be and I want to get to know you more". Now, being a bad judge of non-verbal communication, I noticed it, but wasn't sure what to do with it because I understand that the world does not revolve around me.

At least I don't think it does.

After our exchange, she went back to reading her book and I went back to doing homework. Every now and then, I would get up to throw something away and I would look at her and she wouldn't look back. I didn't over analyze this because she was reading what I'm sure was a riveting book. After all, she didn't even buy any coffee.

 I guess she probably looked back at me a couple of times if I was on the outside of the situation, but for the record- she was beautiful. I'm not suggesting that I was lusting after a stranger- if anything, she was a typical female college student- T-shirt, black yoga pants, long black hair to one side. The perfect target market for Starbucks, but since she wasn't preppy as it were, she would be more fit at the coffee shop she was at.

Maybe she thought this was Starbucks... although the bright colors might have given it away.

After what was probably about an hour or so, she gets up and we exchange one last look. I take this time to say "how are you?" She tells me she is good, but tired and we exchange small talk, but here's the kicker- I felt like we both wanted to continue the conversation in some way or another, almost like the small talk wanted to go farther, but neither of us let it. Perhaps she had to go somewhere and didn't have time to talk. Maybe she got a text that her dad was in the hospital. Maybe she was late to a surprise party. We probably talked for a minute or so and during the first dull in the conversation, I went back to what I was doing with my back turned to her completely. I think she takes a couple of steps away and says "have a good day" and I say "you do the same"

What just happened between us? To the normal person, she was being nice but....what if, just what if something more was happening there? What if I said something else to her? What if I asked her to stay?

I never have been a big believer in fate, but I do spend some of my time dabbling around in the notions and concepts of the big wide world of quantum physics. In this, the idea that everything is connected is more than prevalent. The things that we do do not only effect us, but also effect essentially, the entire universe. At times, I would like to believe that there are multiple universes and on all of them I exist, but if I start talking about that, I would sound like a crazy guy and in the words of my psychology 101 teacher, "A druggie or a hippie"

I guess at this point, just as in all the unknowns, I can only dabble in the "What ifs". She DIDN'T stay and I DIDN'T say anything else to her. You see, today was not the first time I have been to this particular coffee shop. Back in the spring, I would come here every now and then and do homework. Did she recognize my car? Did she silently watch me from afar and wanted to get to know me in only the way creepers can. I'm not discounting any ideas. She could have come for many reasons so.....why didn't I just ask her?

Why do I so often not say what I want to? I guess part of it could be the culture that I live in. I am taught from a young age to keep my feelings to myself and never let them out and if I asked her, maybe she would have wanted to know why I asked and then everyone would explode because I wouldn't have an answer. I would be at a loss. I would look like a fool.

I often try to challenge myself to be exactly the person that I feel like in my heart of hearts. I'm not talking about the person who doesn't have good self esteem sometimes, I'm talking about the super hero inside of me. The king that I am. Deep inside myself, I am a ruler of a mighty nation. I'm a drummer in a world famous rock band. I own Apple. Whats keeping that person from coming out? Whats keeping that person from being who I really am? I have to think that fear is the reason people do not live out the person they are in their heart of hearts. Not only are they afraid of the person that they THINK they are, but they are afraid that the King that is down there would make a mistake and blow it all. They are afraid of hard work. They are afraid of commitment.

As I watched the car leave the parking lot, I silently hoped that she would walk back in the door. Maybe she will someday. Maybe she won't.